I know that I have often wondered what it was I was really craving. Was it love? Was it control? Was it dominance, or was it spanking? And needless it say it was all of the above, but how it was put together was the real key.
For most of my life I have been blamed, held accountable and was responsible for not only my own life, but often for others' mistakes. I was held accountable whether it came down to me or not. And I was a nervous wreck for many years. I could no longer distinguish what I was responsible for or where my accountability ended.
Now this is just a small sample of why being dominant is so vital, so earthly important to me and why it is different from DD (domestic discipline). Yet let it be known, I do want to be spanked. The feelings of the sting are very important to me. However, saying that, if that sting were suddenly to be gone, my real need would still be there.
And what is my real need? That is to be taken in hand. And now we have to unravel what that means for me. It means many things. I need to be able to unburden. To not always be the one who is responsible. To have the choice of control and submission. To have my privileges altered so my wellbeing, something I cannot do for myself, is put in place so I am happy. I need a chance to reflect, not constantly shoot from the hip. I need to have accountability, to be able to share a fear, a worry or just thoughts on how something was handled, or solved. Always my choice, but now I have backup.
Someone who cares. Someone who is strong enough for both of us. And I am plenty strong. But his power and unassuming strength gives me the ability to relax. To be able to submit to his will when that alone gives me the security to sleep well at night. He is dominant. Our situation is domestic. So yes, we fit into that category. But my needs, my deep cravings and needs are really about being watched, cared for and having walls of limits to create that safe place I need, want and desire.
No longer is it considered ‘safe’ for me to take on what isn't mine. My rope goes as far as my comfort allows. And I alone created that scope that I need. He only enforces and holds the end that keeps me where I told him I wanted to be. That's what it means to me to be taken in hand.
Now if we want to talk about the tactile side of things, we can discuss spanking and how that feels and what it means. Yes for me it is a sure fire way to drop me into my submission and my trust of him. To connect me in the most powerful of ways to him, to his power and ultimately to my sexuality. But my first order of things? To have the coral only as big as I want to play in. My world where I am safe and happy. No longer that big bad place where I was tentative and nervous.
My dream came true, and while I didn't really know what that dream was. The words that ring true to me: I was taken in hand. And such love those hands hold.
As Q so lovingly wrote to me in poem 7 years ago:
"I am the tether, to let you safely fly and find your way back.
You are the lifeline that keeps me from sinking."
He was telling me then that he held the ropes to my coral, but that I also balanced him as well. Your comments made me look back at that (I have it mounted on the wall beside my desk), and realize that even then, maybe we were making the beginning steps into a relationship.